The Bachelors episode 9 recap: Polyamorous Jess accused of wanting to sleep with half of Brisbane

You know it is going to be a good episode of The Bachelors when it opens with Osher on a power trip. Osher turns up at the bachelor pad and tells them he is happier than all of them combined because he has a wife.

In response, Thomas declares that he is in love with “multiple women!” And he goes to sleep every night thinking about how great they are all.

Felix declares he is jealous because he is a lowly love rat that has no real feelings for anyone. He doesn’t say that but admits he hasn’t fallen in love yet, adding: “You’re in love with three people? Can you share that with me?”

Thomas replies that. “He wishes he could!”

Is this really how men talk? I’m concerned. These are women not toy trucks.

Thankfully, the producers spare us from any further male banter and we get straight into the single dates.

Thomas takes Lauren on a picnic date where they also have to make their own cocktails – this screams budget cuts more than romance.

Thomas, who is in love with everyone! Clearly wants everyone to be in love with him too. So he does his best to get Lauren to confess her undying love. In response, she talks about trust issues, and Thomas attempts to stare into her eyes to hypnotise her into love.

Lauren admits it doesn’t work, “I’m a hairdresser. I talk about everyone else’s feelings!” Ironically this is the first smart observation made on this show.

Thomas won’t give up though. He tells Lauren that he will propose, but he doesn’t know who to yet. Lauren replies that she should say yes to the future, which isn’t a yes to marriage, but Thomas is thrilled by this response.

They make-out.

Meanwhile, Felix is trying to go from love rat to an emotional rat. So, he takes Tilly on a date but intending to get to know her emotionally,

Go-karting is the setting. So no dangers of kissing because they are being forced to be in separate tiny cars. But, how does this lead to more emotional connection?

Felix is being stand-offish because he is the king of feelings and doesn’t want to get caught up kissing – he’s just not emotionally aware enough to realise he is behaving like a weirdo.

Tilly gets annoyed because she wants to make out. Someone needs to tell Felix that if you want an emotional connection you have to talk to women and not just say, “I want an emotional connection!”

Jed and Alesia go on a climb, and Jed is terrified the entire time. Alesia loves seeing Jed terrified because she feels he is prepared to go out of his way for her. She’s even prepared to overlook the fact he is clearly prepared to use her body as a human shield to protect himself.

At the end, Jed thanks her for helping conquer his fears and tells her that he can see himself falling in love with her, they make out! But what about falling from a great height? No one seems to care about that much anymore.

Tilly comes back to the mansion and tells Felix she’s offended he isn’t being affectionate and Felix explains that he thinks she is hot, but he wants emotions too. It’s all very awkward. You can’t just go cold on someone and then be baffled they won’t open up to you.

Tilly doesn’t know how to respond. I mean Felix has basically just said he wants to sleep with her but thinks she has no depth – so ouch!

Jed, Thomas and Felix meet up, pretend they are planning the dates and dream up the idea of a dinner party. Behind three mediocre straight men is a producer working tirelessly to try and win ratings by stealing MAFS formula.

The dinner party kicks off with them deciding to play never have I ever. Which you know is going to be juicy.

Turns out it isn’t juicy. The question we are meant to be most excited by is, “Never have I ever considered doing a Honey Badger?”

Clearly referring to Nick Cummings aka The Honey Badger’s Bachelor season – where he didn’t chose anyone at the end in 2018.

Felix rants about how he wasn’t sure if he’d find someone, but now he thinks he has and will pick someone.

The girls act like him sharing this is beautiful, but really you went on a reality show? Went through the vigorous auditioning process and thought you might waste all these women’s time? I can’t. But, sure, ladies applaud him.

Once again, Jess’ open relationship gets brought up. Krystal, who is now Tracy Grimshaw, asks Jess what she wants from a relationship if she ends up with Felix.

Jess says: “I’d want a partner that is open to an open relationship.” Jess also declares she doesn’t just want one d*ck forever, and I’m here for it!

Krystal declares to the producers that, “Jess wants to f*** half of Brisbane!”

This isn’t at all what Jess said, but Krystal is the only one at this point trying to make good television – so hats off to her.

Jess admits that if she had a partner that wouldn’t let her pursue other relationships, it could be a deal breaker. Felix looks completely shocked by this. Sir, remember when you met Damien? HER BOYFRIEND.

It isn’t over yet though! Osher pops up at the dinner party to announce that three women are going home tonight and that rose ceremony is happening throughout the dinner party. Basically, whoever doesn’t have a rose by the end of dinner is going home. It is like the Hunger Games but everyone has a fake tan.

The girls break into groups and start crying. Courtney is upset, Abigail is crying and Jed’s decided he’s also a mess over the news. How do I know that? Because he says, “I’m a mess!”

Thomas corners Lauren and tells her he has “literally had the best date with her yesterday!” So, he goes off and gives Lauren a rose – which was a sweet moment but created complete anarchy.

Jessica snags a rose off Felix, Jed gives Alesia a rose. Thomas gives a rose to Leah, and Felix offers Abigail a rose. Jed gives Angela a rose and then gives Courtney a rose which means that Bella is headed home – honestly, Bella was so entertaining but Jed didn’t even want to give her a smooch, so we can’t act shocked.

Everyone’s upset that Bella is leaving because she’s the most fun in the mansion. Jed is crying, and Bella has to comfort him. Don’t you love when a man wrongs you but makes you comfort him?

Thomas has to choose between Jasmine and single mum Kiki, and Kiki says, “I feel this connection with us! I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t here.” And instead of Thomas saying, “Huh?” He acts like she is reciting poetry. Jasmine pleads her case to Thomas, but ultimately, Thomas chooses Kiki. Jasmine is a sobbing mess.

Felix has one rose left, and it is between Krystal and Tilly. Tilly is immediately a teary lady and pulls Felix aside to tell him that she’s ready to go deeper and open up emotionally. Felix loves the attention but ultimately goes with Krystal.

Felix says he’s looking for a long-term partner and not a fling. OK, then, why are you making out with everyone?

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