The Bachelors recap episode 9: Polygamous Jess wants relationship with Felix and boyfriend

The only person left that is interesting on The Bachelors is Jessica, and that is only because she has no idea how to be in an open relationship. The episode opens with the gals all gossiping about Jessica/Damian/Felix – the new Bella/Edward/Jacob.

Their gossiping comes to a halt, though, because none of the girls are b**chy enough to make good reality television, so instead, we have to go back to the single dates.

Felix takes Jessica on a single date. He tells Jessica that they don’t need to always talk about her open relationship and instead should have fun. Felix fails to understand the most fun thing about Jess is her messed-up relationship with Damian.

Felix takes them for a date on segways on the beach. Jessica decides that Felix is the funniest man alive – the man is seconds away from making a sincere ‘Your Mum’ joke, but sure, babe! He is hilarious.

Meanwhile, Thomas and Kiki go on a single date at the beach. You know that Thomas will grill this poor woman about whether she wants to have more kids or not.

Right on cue! Thomas declares he is worried Kiki is holding back because she hasn’t announced whether she wants to have his babies. Let me say, that if a woman was behaving this way, we’d all call her crazy.

Kiki asks Thomas how he sees their future, and he says, “After this, we should just live every moment!” OK, well, that sounds like a great way to forget to do your taxes.

Kiki loves this non-committal declaration and says she wants their relationship to “organically unfold”. Sweetie, you are on a reality show – this isn’t organic. This is show business. A producer is sweating in the corner out of the camera shot.

Despite their loving moment, Thomas ends the date furious she’s not more interested in his sperm.

Jed has been forced into physical activity via quad bikes and takes Angela with him. Angela tells Jed that she’s falling in love with him, and Jed explains he is over the moon – this isn’t the same thing as being in love, but she’s happy with the answer.

Sadly we have to endure more of Jessica and Felix, and they try to discuss the open relationship, but both say different things, and neither notice. Jess reveals that she feels herself falling in love with Felix, and Felix declares he is scared to lose her.

Felix decides he needs to show her that he is worth one Damian plus a Felix! No one on this show understands open relationships.

Finally! Someone has called in a therapist, but sadly, it is not a therapist but a sex therapist/relationship coach – but at this point anything will do.

The coach Juliet Allen introduces herself to the boys, and this poor woman will have her work cut out for her.

Thomas immediately tells the coach that she has to find out if Kiki wants to have his babies. Jed says his worried his relationship with Alesia isn’t practical, and Felix admits he has never really liked women before but now likes heaps of them! All very scary.

Alesia and Jed head straight to therapy, and immediately Juliet brings up the possibility of an engagement. Jed explains that he wouldn’t be stressed proposing to her. Alesia shares that she’s nervous about getting engaged to someone she barely knows – so Jed, get stressed.

Juliet declares they have a good connection. Sweetie, one wants to get engaged, and the other doesn’t!

Next, Thomas and Leah sit down, and Leah tells the therapist that she and Thomas are going to have two children.

Thomas calls her, “the cutest thing ever!” There’s no way Leah isn’t winning this show; she’s the keenest to have his babies.

Thomas ushers Kiki into the therapy room because he will not rest until she declares she wants his babies.

Immediately, Thomas asks Kiki if he can fit into her lifestyle – by lifestyle, he means the fact she’s a mum. I am dead. She has children, she’s not in a cult.

Kiki explains that she isn’t in the space to have more children. She tells Thomas that if that is what he wants straight away, then she isn’t the right woman for him. Thomas is upset but has two other girlfriends, so he’ll be fine.

Felix and Krystal also do therapy but it clear they have more of a friend vibe and Thomas and Lauren head off to therapy but once again nothing is worth reporting.

Finally, Felix and Jess sit down with the relationship coach, and Jess explains that her boyfriend Damian lets her pursue sexual relationships, but she doesn’t let him. Huh?

Felix explains that if they end up together, she’ll need to separate from Damian. Jess announces that she will let go of her relationship with Damian to explore things with Felix and declares she’ll stop having sex with him. OK, finally!

Just when you think you can relax, the rose ceremony turns into chaos when Jess confides in Abigail that she still wants to see Damian. She explains calmly that if she has to have a long-distance relationship with Felix, she’ll need someone for physical intimacy.

She explains that her ideal situation is maintaining a physical and sexual relationship with Damian, while she and Felix develop their emotional relationship! BUT THAT ISN’T WHAT YOU SAID IN THERAPY.

Abigail Is horrified and immediately goes to have a meeting with Krystal and tells her what Jessica said, she calls her: “Selfish!”

Krystal says, “Jess is lying to Felix!” And declares that she has had “Enough!” However, she does zero.

Meanwhile, Courtney pulls Jed aside and says her feelings aren’t deep enough, and she is off! No one tells Felix about Jess’s sex plans, so he sends Krystal home and leaves Abigail fuming next to Jess.

Meanwhile, Thomas says goodbye to Kiki because she refuses to have his baby!

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